another day,, one boat in two rivers

damn! am i what??
started the day by 8:00AM,, gone to SSS here in our place to get an ID after working for almost a year and 9 months,, had my reason xe that this is the only time ive had to work on those things,, hahaha.. Of course, the night before, had an arrangement already,, i was invited by B to go to their place,, have some chitchat, eat and watch some DVDs,, i was too excited for it kahit na the day before, we two were already together,,

arrived in B's place by 11:15Am, but prior we dropped by to a grocery store and bought some stuff to munch out,, in their house, watched 2 movies,, mejo corny but we watched "dayo", i was thrilled when i saw the girl character that has wings and "a very special love".. hihihihi.. kakilig nman ung movie and had given us some laughs and thoughts to talk abt..

around 4:00pm, he felt that i am sleepy and wanted to rest,, xe after B, i need to meet A and he knows abt it,, it's something i have promised to A xe they will be leaving for puerto tomorrow and me, I'll be going so province. We went upstairs to his room,, anu pa ba pwede gawin, we hugged each other, kissed each other very sweeeeet like there will be no tomorrow but we didnt have sex.. why? we have to control ourselves abt that matter, we thought of it as something sacred that we would only do it, once that i have committed myself already.. It isn's hard namn, kasi i do know how to control myself and that B also knows how to do it..

while we're lying, B asked me,, what do you like abt A?? i said A's mabait,, but then B said, how abt me? It had me an answer that i liked B due to the way of thinking,, B thinks more that what is right for the age. not totally mature but had a lot of dreams, goals, perseverance to w/c i am looking forward to have as well,, dun ako my problema that's why i said, i do also need someone that can help me figure those things out,. Si B n kaya un?? ewan ko..

hala! told B it's already 5:15PM and i have to go by 6:00PM kasi 7:30Pm kame mgkkita ni A sa Rob gelleria .. so we went sa SM muna to have some sundae, akin xempre hot fudge then sa kanaya caramel daw... on our way,, we talked of something abt what i was doing,, then i told B that the words coming out were indirect words saying that i need to choose one na..
ayaw ko magmadali i told B, i need to see things first,, he accepted my reason and that's one i do also like abt B.. I also thanked B for us not having any sex xe bka mmya,, after nun, we'll never know what myt happen next.. After eating and chatting, B walked me to the LRT station na,, to w/c when it reached EDSA, will ride another MRT going to ortigas,, we waived byes and give smiles to each other,,

Ayan na,, eksena na sa LRT,, dami people, lalo nman sa MRT,, kahit bukas AC nila,, walang epekto, sa dami b nman ng people,, ewan ko n lang kung bkit nid n umunti ang tao dun, hahaha..
arrived Ortigas MRT station,, A texted me, still packing things up,, i said, okies, just go ahead, what can i do?? alangan mag-inarte p ako,, ndi n bagay noh,, stressed n nga ako sa byahe eh..
so, told A, we'll meet sa 2nd floor, sa my Benetton,, To make it short, he arrived after 30 minutes,, Punyeta!! i was no longer in any mood to be cheered up,, the things for me, is that usapan is an usapan,,, ive given my best to be there on time, but then xa?? ewN ko.. A askd for an apology,, told A, e anu pb mggawa ko... then we ate,,talked of nothing much and stroll..
Nothing to say much , kissed?? uu,, ndun n nman un of course,, and cuddly things that can bo done..

iv just noticed one thing,, when me and A was eating,, i grabbed his phone just to take again some pictures of A.. then he got the phone immediately saying that, the time isn't ryt and he just needs to fix it?? question 1,,, am i looking forward to see the time , is that my reason on why would i be getting his phone??/ so,, go,, fine,, change the time according to A.. But,, But,, But by the time A gave the phone back to me,, what i have seen??? "No messages found" uinder the SENT ITEMS,, under the Messaging Menu... parang?? are you hiding something from me??
i did just laugh all by myself inside na,, huh? weird,, i even told A that it's not in my ugali to look on someone else's phone for the messages,, pakielam ko dun,, plues, A is not my partner. not committed w/ each other and A still has the its own life..
, i was only going to take some pics,, duh?!

I would not say it's a complete turn off but then,, ayaw ko ng gnon,, A has to lie for something that has nothing to be lied upon on... Burns me here.. and i hate it..

....give myself the TIME!

after some couple of slightly shitty relationships,, xe ung iba namn turned out well, had to break up due to circumstances, some due to incompatibility, some for own wicked choice and some for ,,, let's say "f*** the hell out of them for the lamest reason i've ever heard... I now try to go w/ a new sense of direction when it comes to relationship.. With a long time of reflecting,, i do ask myself this question first..

1. Why do i need a partner?
simple,, i need someone who would be a motivator, someone who'll guide me through the things i am doing and will be doing. I need someone that can help me reach my goals thru the ups and downs, shout at me if i need it so w/o hesitation, spank me at the back of my head if i get evil, comfort me if im lonely and of course a person who'll satisfy my humane needs,, hahaha
i usually dont give out the reason that i need an inspiration since i do have my family as my inspiration..

But the thing is, I've had 8 relationships already but i can count who of them had been this motivator. Who would be tough enough for me, superior enough that i would intend to follow, I am a very submissive person but at the same time, opinionated,, I do what i want to do, speak what's in my head knowing that sometime, it really would hurt but the thing is,. the least the person have known it,, kaso, hindi lahat ng tao, kaya ako intindihin,, That's where my problem arise, they dont know me too well..
Yes, they know me by my name, the things i like, i do, i hate, even my family. But they didn't try to reach who i am inside.
Bakit nga daw ba?? kasi, i have nver known them either for a long time not until, i accepted them as my partner.
the foundation lacks..

By this time,, i am seeing two human beings,, both havent's had any relationship since last 2 years,, there's A and there's B..

A is very shy, mabait and very cuddling,, i had been honest w/ him with what happened w. the past relationships i've had,, we do text everyday, A calls me after work, talks for almost 2 hours,. exchange thoughts, A misses me daw, and i miss A too as well,, for a person so cuddly, why wouldnt you miss it,, Mababaw na person lang si A that simple things makes it happy , but before we ended up seeing each other, alam nya that I dont want to rush things na baka mamaya ,, mali n nman pala .. it would hurt me and hurt A as well.. Sayang lang db if it will all go to waste gawa ng hatred if things won't work. I do just have some problems w/ him that A gets comfy na,, he says mwah, kisses me even when we're together that i can say is alright lang,, and this time , on the IM, A now do says "luv luv luv",.. nu b yan?? Seems like A is thinking that we're going to the next step to w/c i am still afraid of.. kaya lage ko n lang sinasabe sa kanya,, "we're moving too fast dude!!"

Compared to A, B is very mabait din and to top it all, very honest,, B knows everyhting about A, like the things we do and sort. B just told me, it hurts but i have to accept it, since it's a choice that was made,, Sabe ko lang sa kanya,, i can still date you or A, im not yet committed,, B also knows my plans for building a good foundation for friendship before stepping into a relationship to w/c on turn, un din ang gusto nya.. we do have a lot of things in common,, we're both bitchy on our own way.. and we do love it.. I love B's philo in life and it really shows the mature side of who B is. B feels sorry if sometines, w/ the words coming out of the mouth made me think on what to do and choose one,, but told B, "it's not yet the time,, and i do need time still".

I just do feel that im being a flirt if you can call it,, im hitting two birds w/ one stone,, But i dont want to think this is my way of doing it and am i just afraid to face the truth.. i was asking myself , was saying im not yet ready is just a front for me? for being such a jerky flirt?? some may say YES... But i would like to make believe no, that this has been the only time in my life that i have not been in any relationship for a long time,, thinkings eriuously where or who shall i go with,, Im giving myself time to think and decide,, linger and evaluate who would be the best for me, and who will I be best for, w/o having them saying,, "anu b yan?? bakit ganon, it;'s not what im expecting." that's one of the things im afraid to hear,, sabihin n naten, klangan ko maging sigurado,, pero klnagan ko din malaman ung risk,,, Am i afraid to take it,, maybe yes,, risk that i will unintentionally hurt someone to w/c om afraid of.. Both are the best for me,, but cannot have them both. Need to choose one or lose it all?? Ayaw ko namn,, lalo pa ngaun, iv found two interesting individuals compensating my needs..

Ayaw ko sabihin n maganda ako,, kasi i think it comes w/ my personality,, Pero again, im very stupid for taking the choice in gving myself the time,, look what happened,, until now,, i am still confused and big question,, until when will i be able to know the time im needing is already enough??

End of Contract

february 25, 2009,, i submitted my resignation after being w/ the company for almost 1 year and 9 months,,

arrived at the office exactly 1:37 AM, guess it'll be easy to know where im working at xe office hours during the nyt.. hahaha.. nweiz,, my supervisor isnt arriving yet, he's always late and im sued to it. what i did to comfy myself was to linger w/ some of my friends at the office and my former supervisor.. they asked me why,, gave them the answer w/o any further justification: "I'm FED up".

all of them did try their best to retain me, keep me out from submitting my letter but I said to myself that this has been a long time plan , never came to reality lang dahil sa mga circumstances..

then blah, blah, blah,,, already 3:23 AM,, sawmy supervisor,, approached him and said "Boss!"
sabe nya,, "oh, anu kmusta k na?? uy , ndi ako galit ha.." told him nman,, "yah, i know, uh, eto boss ung aking Med cert " then we walked thru the aisle of the production floor kasi he's looking for a station until i pointed one on the very far end.. while we're walking, i also handed him my resignation.. "Seryoso ka?" those were the words that came out of his mind.. Of course, he did ask why? sabe ko "im fed up and i dont like to be here na.."

I explained how i feel abt doing the job that i am now restless of seeking something to w/c I'll be happy, sae nga sa letter ko, "i know this will deprive me security but will liberate me to reach my dreams and I gladly take the risk". He's happy for what im doing, he didnt even bother to tell me if the reason was becoz of the disposition i have in the company or even asked if there's any thing he can do to retain me... Happy ako dun kasi the least is that I dont have to make pilit pa that Im willing to resign..

End of conversation with my supervisor,, then told him aalis na ako.. need to sleep na.
hehehehee.. will just be back again for some clearances and sort..

Happy ako,, that's what im proud of.
Left some friends there but know they'll still be in touch. .

i am not in the position…

i dont know if who the earth would care to read my blog but welcome again and sorry for sorts that has to be apologetic of.. now is 1:38am,, saturday, february 21st of 2009.. not feeling well that i didnt had enuf sleep, needs to go to work but the heck im tired and need to rest. aside from it, i no longer enjoy what i am doing,, i do love my job, the things i do, the people i get along with,, but the things is, im no longer into it,, this has been the first period of my entire life where i felt no fulfillment from what i am doing,, needs a new air na, new environment,, ready to start all over.. i have decided,, a week from now, that’ll be time that i’ll render what i have to render.. no regrets, just a big step ahead,, for a new life, something that i can be proud of again but can satisfy what im supposed to have..

title: im not in the position,, why? not in the position to be able to say that life is really cruel,, i was wrong when i say im really stupid to fall on the creek again, w/o even looking first how steep it can be nor assuring myself i do have a good base to walk through.. to w/c the fall i had made me realize im a worthy person, that it will be seen by others unexpectedly..

helped me stand up and feel that im special,. but as i stand w/ my own feet, i said that it should be in a manner that i may not feel im forced to stand immediately. that i need to know first if il break some of bones again if i did it quick or if il get dizzy and just bumpd again w. the wrong person who happened to help me… evryone can help you but afterwards, not evryone is there to make a follow up on what should u do..

i am not in the position to say i am in a confusion,,

but i am in the right position to say that this is the right time for me to think of what i will do next.. ..

****taken from my previous blogsite...