....give myself the TIME!

after some couple of slightly shitty relationships,, xe ung iba namn turned out well, had to break up due to circumstances, some due to incompatibility, some for own wicked choice and some for ,,, let's say "f*** the hell out of them for the lamest reason i've ever heard... I now try to go w/ a new sense of direction when it comes to relationship.. With a long time of reflecting,, i do ask myself this question first..

1. Why do i need a partner?
simple,, i need someone who would be a motivator, someone who'll guide me through the things i am doing and will be doing. I need someone that can help me reach my goals thru the ups and downs, shout at me if i need it so w/o hesitation, spank me at the back of my head if i get evil, comfort me if im lonely and of course a person who'll satisfy my humane needs,, hahaha
i usually dont give out the reason that i need an inspiration since i do have my family as my inspiration..

But the thing is, I've had 8 relationships already but i can count who of them had been this motivator. Who would be tough enough for me, superior enough that i would intend to follow, I am a very submissive person but at the same time, opinionated,, I do what i want to do, speak what's in my head knowing that sometime, it really would hurt but the thing is,. the least the person have known it,, kaso, hindi lahat ng tao, kaya ako intindihin,, That's where my problem arise, they dont know me too well..
Yes, they know me by my name, the things i like, i do, i hate, even my family. But they didn't try to reach who i am inside.
Bakit nga daw ba?? kasi, i have nver known them either for a long time not until, i accepted them as my partner.
the foundation lacks..

By this time,, i am seeing two human beings,, both havent's had any relationship since last 2 years,, there's A and there's B..

A is very shy, mabait and very cuddling,, i had been honest w/ him with what happened w. the past relationships i've had,, we do text everyday, A calls me after work, talks for almost 2 hours,. exchange thoughts, A misses me daw, and i miss A too as well,, for a person so cuddly, why wouldnt you miss it,, Mababaw na person lang si A that simple things makes it happy , but before we ended up seeing each other, alam nya that I dont want to rush things na baka mamaya ,, mali n nman pala .. it would hurt me and hurt A as well.. Sayang lang db if it will all go to waste gawa ng hatred if things won't work. I do just have some problems w/ him that A gets comfy na,, he says mwah, kisses me even when we're together that i can say is alright lang,, and this time , on the IM, A now do says "luv luv luv",.. nu b yan?? Seems like A is thinking that we're going to the next step to w/c i am still afraid of.. kaya lage ko n lang sinasabe sa kanya,, "we're moving too fast dude!!"

Compared to A, B is very mabait din and to top it all, very honest,, B knows everyhting about A, like the things we do and sort. B just told me, it hurts but i have to accept it, since it's a choice that was made,, Sabe ko lang sa kanya,, i can still date you or A, im not yet committed,, B also knows my plans for building a good foundation for friendship before stepping into a relationship to w/c on turn, un din ang gusto nya.. we do have a lot of things in common,, we're both bitchy on our own way.. and we do love it.. I love B's philo in life and it really shows the mature side of who B is. B feels sorry if sometines, w/ the words coming out of the mouth made me think on what to do and choose one,, but told B, "it's not yet the time,, and i do need time still".

I just do feel that im being a flirt if you can call it,, im hitting two birds w/ one stone,, But i dont want to think this is my way of doing it and am i just afraid to face the truth.. i was asking myself , was saying im not yet ready is just a front for me? for being such a jerky flirt?? some may say YES... But i would like to make believe no, that this has been the only time in my life that i have not been in any relationship for a long time,, thinkings eriuously where or who shall i go with,, Im giving myself time to think and decide,, linger and evaluate who would be the best for me, and who will I be best for, w/o having them saying,, "anu b yan?? bakit ganon, it;'s not what im expecting." that's one of the things im afraid to hear,, sabihin n naten, klangan ko maging sigurado,, pero klnagan ko din malaman ung risk,,, Am i afraid to take it,, maybe yes,, risk that i will unintentionally hurt someone to w/c om afraid of.. Both are the best for me,, but cannot have them both. Need to choose one or lose it all?? Ayaw ko namn,, lalo pa ngaun, iv found two interesting individuals compensating my needs..

Ayaw ko sabihin n maganda ako,, kasi i think it comes w/ my personality,, Pero again, im very stupid for taking the choice in gving myself the time,, look what happened,, until now,, i am still confused and big question,, until when will i be able to know the time im needing is already enough??